I Can Be Both

For most of my life, I convinced myself that I had a mostly scientific mind. I would dabble in the arts (I did ballet for 8 years as a kid, and I was in theater, acting classes, and band through middle and high school), but one shitty comment from a kid in my class and I'd clam up. After staying closed off for awhile, I had rationalized that to myself as, "I'm just not a creative person". I told myself to stick to what I was good at, which was math, science, and medicine.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. With just two years in Critical Care, I've made Life-saving judgement calls for my patients. After awhile, that simply became commonplace not just for me but for the incredible human beings I have the pleasure of working with. But my love for this work often meant the neglect of my equal love for the arts. For my creative self, my ethereal self, my curious and child-like self.

It got to the point that this purely logical, facts-and-figures version of myself started to create a lot of self-limiting beliefs. I created many limitations on things I could do, things I could be, and basically all facets of my own self-expression.

When my mind was quiet, I could feel my creative self being silently strangled to death.

This blog/Instagram page/side hustle has been a nagging idea in the back of my mind for probably 3 years now. I didn't speak of it, didn't put it out into the universe, didn't speak it into power, for fear of it's existence.

For fear of the vulnerability it would demand.

For fear of loosening my death grip on all things concrete and clear cut.

For fear of stepping out of my comfort zone into the wild and alluring unknown.

And then a man broke my heart. Smashed it and ground it into powder form, really. All at once, I had to reconfigure my entire life, my future plans, and even remind myself to take my next breath. Everything hurt. And if I'm being honest, it's something I still struggle with, but that's a topic for another day.

Nothing like a gut-wrenching, earth-shifting blow to my ego to knock me out of my own self-constructed and limited sense of self, right?

That time was so painful and so beautiful because I was forced to examine every little piece of my life and determine what should stay and what should go. It took awhile, lots of sleepless nights, waking up the next morning with puffy eyes and utter emotional exhaustion, reminding myself to (please, for the love of God) take a damn shower.

I started from scratch. I put the work in to rebuild, brick by brick, my confidence, sense of self, and truly evaluated who belonged in my life. I've come to terms with the fact that the construction never ends, and that if I make a mistake, I can always junk that part and start over.

It's perfectly fine to make mistakes, as long as I'm paying attention and doing my best to learn the lesson the first time.

So jump to now, and I swear I am a goddamn Renaissance woman. I've worked to reconcile both sides of my brain. They can now peacefully coexist without constantly warring with each other. I can argue the benefits of switching my patient from norepinephrine to dopamine. I created a beautiful website from scratch with no prior training or experience. I know how to care for a post-cardiac arrest patient under therapeutic hypothermia. I can film, shoot, and edit beautiful pictures and videos for my brand. And there's so much more I want to do, on both sides of my wild, artistic, chaotic brain.

The point is, I've come to terms with myself. ALL of my selves. I can be both a Registered Nurse and an Artist. An analytical thinker and a total emotional mess. A boss ass bitch and an emotional gangsta. A romantic lover and someone who's terrified of being hurt again.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be this or that, to look and act a certain way, to stay in a self-prescribed box that we are miserable staying in.

I suppose my point is, who fucking cares?

Show up as your highest self, with each quirk and perceived flaw, because chances are that you'll receive love and acceptance from the people that truly matter. Start the project. Learn the skill. Move away. Be gentle with yourself when you're making mistakes, because that's the only way we grow. Ditch the shit that is sucking up all your positive energy.

Accept and love yourself in all your messy entirety. No exceptions. I wholeheartedly believe that that is the first step to creating a life you love living. Show up for yourself, because this life is just not that long. There's a devastatingly beautiful world out there.

Now let's get to it already. This photo series is the first I've ever done and it has come to hold emotional value to me. I took these one morning after work when I was simply feeling beautiful, inside and out. I'm not sure what I'd like to do with these images in the future, but for now I'd just like to share them with you guys.

In my mind, these represent the four faces/phases of vulnerability. Enjoy.

1/4 This first stage describes preemptive anxiety, which is everyone’s knee-jerk reaction when they know they are about to plunge into a vulnerable state. She wants to be vulnerable, but she is fighting her own fears.

2/4 The second one is that giddy feeling you feel right after you’ve exposed a piece of yourself that not everyone is allowed to see. This is after you lift the mask that years of hard lessons have taught you to keep up. It says “OMG I really did that. Holy shit.” (Side Note: I actually love that I'm missing a nail here. It goes to show what a gorgeous mess I am on the regular)

3/4 The third one is that divinely feminine nakedness. She owns herself. She says, “This is me. Take it or leave it. I am now at ease with myself.”

4/4 This last one shows cheeky confidence. The comfort of the previous image blooming into playful sensuality. She has come full circle with both herself and the viewer. And she's showing off a little while she's at it.

Again, I’m not entirely sure what I want to do with these images. All I know is that they’ve become very special to me, and I am excited to share this same vulnerable energy with you all.